I just felt that I should reprint my testimony:
The first time I truly prayed outside of a church on my own was in 1983 just before my thirteenth birthday. My mom's uncle had just suffered a massive heart attack and was rushed to the hospital. I remember that scene as vividly today as if it happened just yesterday. I was laying on the floor of my parent's bedroom with a black boombox playing music. Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler was playing. I closed my eyes and prayed that God would heal my mom's uncle and that everything would be OK. I remember Who Loves You by the Four Seasons also played while I prayed. That night, my mom's uncle passed away that night.
For a twelve year old boy who had been taught that God hears and answers prayer, this was a devastating turn of events. Not being a mature Christian, I did not turn to God's Word or pray for comfort. Instead I lashed out at God. "How dare God not listen?" "Doesn't He answer prayers?" "Doesn't He want what's good for us?" were all thoughts that went through my mind.
I looked around in our society and saw other people were benefitting and they weren't followers. "Bad" people were getting away with things and prospering. I was good to my parents, I went to church, I was nice to others, I did good at school, I was loyal, and I was involved in our church's youth group. Why wasn't I getting good things? If God didn't care about me, why should I care about Him?
I still went to church, I still respected my parents, I was getting good grades, and I was heavily involved in my youth group. I was doing a good job of pretending to walk in the faith. I gave God lip service, because I thought that was all He deserved. But, I wasn't going to follow everything because I saw how the real world worked and wanted my share of it.
Before I share this, only one other person other than God knows what I was doing. Only my wife was made aware of it and that was almost 25 years later. I didn't drink or do drugs. I didn't do anything where I became homeless, destitute, or addicted. As a matter of fact if you knew me then, you wouldn't think I was doing anything at all. But, I started to shoplift things.
I didnt steal big ticket items - I stole magazines, comic books, toys, video games and other assorted low cost items. It wasn't that I couldn't afford it, but rather I took it as a challenge if I could do it or not. I was pretty smart, so I knew I could get away with it. I even did it few times with my mother in the same store. I was so gutsy that I would "pray" to God before I went in the store that I wouldn't get caught. That's some serious audacity and I wouldn't recommend doing that. I never did get caught (still not a good idea - just because I didnt get caught, doesnt mean you should do this)
This isn't to say you should pray for forgiveness before you go sin, or afterwards with no intention of repentence and expect the Lord to bless that kind of behavior. I got lucky. The Lord could have easily let me be caught and dealt with me there and I would have to have dealt with some serious consequences. He decided to act in a bigger way than I ever expected to stop me.
I had a dream one night where I was walking through Garfield Park. It is still vivid to this day as well and I can point to the exact spot where it happened today. There was a large crowd surrounding a picnic table and my curiosity drew me there. The crowd parted and sitting there teaching was Jesus (or at least my blond haired, blue-eyed movie version of Him). He stopped His teaching and pierced through me with His blue eyes and said just two words. "Follow Me"
I immediately woke up and was in tears. The Lord was telling me that my lip service to Him was done and that I was on my own if I continued this course of action. Who knows what that happened? Would I have moved on from shoplifting and done other things? Would I have been willing to cheat at college or work, been willing to cut corners? Would I have been willing to cheat out others to move ahead in life? Anything is possible considering the road I was heading down. Knowing me, I would have moved on to bigger and worse things spiritually. Thankfully, that wasn't going to happen.
I stopped this bad behavior and started to understand what following truly was. By no means was I instantly converted or saying that I am better than others. I still sin, I still fall short. But, now I turn to prayer or His word or just be quiet and listen for Him. I am incredibly stubborn, but that doesn't stop Him loving me and shaping me.
Writing this has really been a healing process. I've always resisted sharing this story because it's not a massive conversion story. I never thought it was a "sexy" testimony filled with darkness, despair, and hitting bottom and crying out to the Lord to save me. As a matter of fact, I never turned to Him. He came to me, to protect me from myself. I never thought of this moment as being a powerful moment to share. But, it is. The Lord delights when we turn back from sin and sinful circumstances no matter how big or small we think they might be.It means to me that the Lord will deal with us in our sin no matter how we grade it. One sin is no bigger or smaller than another. Trust me, the Lord is going to deal with it in some way, shape, or fashion. Most of all, the Lord reminded me that He wants to meet with me and that He loves me.
It's not an overnight success story. The Lord continues to work with me and in me. Most of the time, I go kicking and screaming and sometimes even resentful. But each time I have come out on the other side equally happy and grateful.
That was the first full day that I began to understand what following meant. Life was still ahead of me with all its ups and downs, bumps and scrapes, triumphs and tragedies, and joys and blessings to come. My adventure was beginning, more chapters were going to be written in my life. And the Lord was going to be at my side writing them.
The first time I truly prayed outside of a church on my own was in 1983 just before my thirteenth birthday. My mom's uncle had just suffered a massive heart attack and was rushed to the hospital. I remember that scene as vividly today as if it happened just yesterday. I was laying on the floor of my parent's bedroom with a black boombox playing music. Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler was playing. I closed my eyes and prayed that God would heal my mom's uncle and that everything would be OK. I remember Who Loves You by the Four Seasons also played while I prayed. That night, my mom's uncle passed away that night.
For a twelve year old boy who had been taught that God hears and answers prayer, this was a devastating turn of events. Not being a mature Christian, I did not turn to God's Word or pray for comfort. Instead I lashed out at God. "How dare God not listen?" "Doesn't He answer prayers?" "Doesn't He want what's good for us?" were all thoughts that went through my mind.
I looked around in our society and saw other people were benefitting and they weren't followers. "Bad" people were getting away with things and prospering. I was good to my parents, I went to church, I was nice to others, I did good at school, I was loyal, and I was involved in our church's youth group. Why wasn't I getting good things? If God didn't care about me, why should I care about Him?
I still went to church, I still respected my parents, I was getting good grades, and I was heavily involved in my youth group. I was doing a good job of pretending to walk in the faith. I gave God lip service, because I thought that was all He deserved. But, I wasn't going to follow everything because I saw how the real world worked and wanted my share of it.
Before I share this, only one other person other than God knows what I was doing. Only my wife was made aware of it and that was almost 25 years later. I didn't drink or do drugs. I didn't do anything where I became homeless, destitute, or addicted. As a matter of fact if you knew me then, you wouldn't think I was doing anything at all. But, I started to shoplift things.
I didnt steal big ticket items - I stole magazines, comic books, toys, video games and other assorted low cost items. It wasn't that I couldn't afford it, but rather I took it as a challenge if I could do it or not. I was pretty smart, so I knew I could get away with it. I even did it few times with my mother in the same store. I was so gutsy that I would "pray" to God before I went in the store that I wouldn't get caught. That's some serious audacity and I wouldn't recommend doing that. I never did get caught (still not a good idea - just because I didnt get caught, doesnt mean you should do this)
This isn't to say you should pray for forgiveness before you go sin, or afterwards with no intention of repentence and expect the Lord to bless that kind of behavior. I got lucky. The Lord could have easily let me be caught and dealt with me there and I would have to have dealt with some serious consequences. He decided to act in a bigger way than I ever expected to stop me.
I had a dream one night where I was walking through Garfield Park. It is still vivid to this day as well and I can point to the exact spot where it happened today. There was a large crowd surrounding a picnic table and my curiosity drew me there. The crowd parted and sitting there teaching was Jesus (or at least my blond haired, blue-eyed movie version of Him). He stopped His teaching and pierced through me with His blue eyes and said just two words. "Follow Me"
I immediately woke up and was in tears. The Lord was telling me that my lip service to Him was done and that I was on my own if I continued this course of action. Who knows what that happened? Would I have moved on from shoplifting and done other things? Would I have been willing to cheat at college or work, been willing to cut corners? Would I have been willing to cheat out others to move ahead in life? Anything is possible considering the road I was heading down. Knowing me, I would have moved on to bigger and worse things spiritually. Thankfully, that wasn't going to happen.
I stopped this bad behavior and started to understand what following truly was. By no means was I instantly converted or saying that I am better than others. I still sin, I still fall short. But, now I turn to prayer or His word or just be quiet and listen for Him. I am incredibly stubborn, but that doesn't stop Him loving me and shaping me.
Writing this has really been a healing process. I've always resisted sharing this story because it's not a massive conversion story. I never thought it was a "sexy" testimony filled with darkness, despair, and hitting bottom and crying out to the Lord to save me. As a matter of fact, I never turned to Him. He came to me, to protect me from myself. I never thought of this moment as being a powerful moment to share. But, it is. The Lord delights when we turn back from sin and sinful circumstances no matter how big or small we think they might be.It means to me that the Lord will deal with us in our sin no matter how we grade it. One sin is no bigger or smaller than another. Trust me, the Lord is going to deal with it in some way, shape, or fashion. Most of all, the Lord reminded me that He wants to meet with me and that He loves me.
It's not an overnight success story. The Lord continues to work with me and in me. Most of the time, I go kicking and screaming and sometimes even resentful. But each time I have come out on the other side equally happy and grateful.
That was the first full day that I began to understand what following meant. Life was still ahead of me with all its ups and downs, bumps and scrapes, triumphs and tragedies, and joys and blessings to come. My adventure was beginning, more chapters were going to be written in my life. And the Lord was going to be at my side writing them.
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