*All names have been changed to protect the innocent and not so innocent. Any resemblance to real people, especially me is true*
I remember the first time I saw her. She walked into the classroom and I had never seen a more beautiful girl in my life. No one was sweeter or nicer and I knew she would be my girlfriend in short time. She walked into the third grade classroom, I knew I found the right girl for me. That's how first crushes go - we think they will last forever and we will live happily ever after. Sometimes they do, but most of the time they don't. Funny how a third-grader's mind works.
She and I would become friends in third grade. She was the first girl I kissed - as awkward as third graders have. We remained friends off and on through the years. We would go out on dates in sixth grade, ninth grade, and twelfth grade. It was during the 12th grade that the thought went through my head that this might be meant to be. We were good friends and we seemed to be comfortable around each other and tended to gravitate towards each other. However, like any teenage boy, I was afraid of what those thoughts meant. Was I trapped? Was I afraid to do better? Was my future already set in stone? Was she a safety valve?
So, I asked a couple of my friends who both agreed that I could do better. (Guys, if those thoughts go through your head , maybe talking to God or at least an adult is better than your teenage buddies). So, I decided to ignore her and be more aloof. I would avoid her as much as I could to avoid her asking me to Prom. I wasn't going to ask her out, but didn't want to be put in a situation where I would have to turn her down. (Avoidance has sometimes been my coping mechanism instead of taking a chance to hurt someone face to face). Eventually, I met someone else to go to Prom with. It turned into a complete disaster. My date spent the entire evening with other guys and pretty much ignored me. It turned into an awful evening and I was devastated. You reap what you sow.
That decision haunted me for several years afterward. I talked about her to a friend of mine at college when we were discussing regrets we had in our lives. I mentioned the Prom story to him and not less than 15 minutes, we ran into her younger sister. If you know me I don't believe in coincidences and that God was leading in this. I got back into touch with her, we went out a couple of times as well. We determined that time had passed and we had both moved on with our lives. I was able to apologize to her for my behavior which brought me much needed closure. She didn't take my actions as bad as I had made them, but it was a regret that ate me up.
She went on to get married and has a daughter. If she reads this (and she might), I just want to let her know that she made the elementary and high school years better for me. I treasure the memories we had. Thank you for teaching me to be myself around her and liking me for who I was. From that day, I no longer had any regrets.
"You like me more than I like you" is a phrase I have heard on several occasions. This was how my second serious relationship ended. This came from a woman who wanted me to hug her, hold her, hold hands and then she said that afterwards. For a young man that was extremely confusing. So, when I asked why all the physicalness if she felt that way, her response was "That's what a girl does with a guy". Ouch.
For the next ten years, I didn't date anyone. My plan was to hope that a woman would take pity on me and approach me and realize I was a good guy. With that kind of plan, is it hard to believe I was unsuccessful? I was so afraid of rejection and having my heart hurt. I was still hoping to get married and have a family someday. Also, my college friends were meeting others and moving on and I was afraid to get left behind. I was obsessed (trust me I've read my old journals). I'd convince myself that God had led me to meet one girl and when nothing would happen, I'd meet someone else and do the same thing.
Because of that, I missed out on several opportunities from God. Instead of embracing my singleness and how God could use me in that, I remained focused on why I wasn't meeting anyone and married. This road led to self-loathing and damaging my self-esteem. It didn't help my relationship with God either. If no one else was in love with me, how could God love me? There must be something wrong with me if I wasn't dating. I also saw other couples and did the comparison thing. "I'm better than that guy, how come I can't find someone and he does?" I look back on the missed opportunities where I didn't let God work in my heart. Eventually, God met with me in terms of healing and bringing me out of the funk.
In 2001, a couple of my friends set me up with another woman. We went out for a couple of months, and though it didn't work out, it helped with the healing process. She had a few bumps in the road in her life, and I learned what it meant to think of others' needs instead of my own. I started to become more confident and honest in my true self as opposed to the mask I used to wear. Even though it didn't last long, it helped me to grow and prepare me to become a husband down the road if that were to happen.
One step forward, then two steps back on the next dating relationship. It was only a few dates with a divorcing mother of two. She felt the best way to express way to her love, thanks to her future ex, was to be physical. So, we were physical, but in Bill Clinton's view we did not have sexual relations. However, I was guilty because I took advantage of the situation. I gave in to my need for satisfaction at the expense of building a good relationship. She told me several times that she wanted to do it and that I shouldn't be so uptight, but I still failed in my responsibility to be a good man. I handled the situation by never calling her back. Yes, avoidance is how I handled this one. Don't know if it was any better than when I sent an e-mail breaking up with someone else. This situation was one of the reasons that caused me to leave the church I was attending and move on to another church. I realized that my relationship with God really needed working on and it wasn't happening where I was at. At that point, I was almost content that I was going to remain perpetually single. That was what I truly believed, but God had different plans for me as I met my wife at this church.
There are many things I have learned through my dating life. Some good, some bad, but they all shaped me. These are not perfect solutions nor do I consider myself any kind of dating expert. Here is what I learned:
1. Relationship with God: Before you can have any kind of serious relationship, friendship, or dating, your relationship with God is the most important. Spend time in prayer, study the word, and worship. Getting to the bottom of who you are and where God wants to lead you is going to be the foundation for every relationship you have. The most important prayer I made while dating my wife was "Lord, teach me what it means to be a man worthy of dating Susan"
2. Be Yourself: If you are honest and act yourself, it will go easier for you. First, they're going to pick up if you're faking at some point. Second, do you want someone to like you for you or who you act like?
3. Listen & Observe: "Wordy and nervous" was the summation of my wife's analysis of me on our first date. I was so worried about awkward silences that I filled them in every chance I could. Luckily, my lackluster performance didn't prevent a second date. Remember to listen to the other person. It's good to make the other person feel important to you. The best way is to listen them and observe their reactions. You'll get to learn about them, their likes and dislikes, their passions, and their desires. Heck, you might even get their name and phone number if you listen. Observe them as well and you will quickly find out if this is someone you want to get to know better. Don't be completely silent, but remember that conversation is a two way street.
4. Embrace your current situation: If you are single or married, be grateful for where you are at. There are things in ministry that are easier for singles than marrieds and vice versa. Don't be obsessed where you are or what you don't have. God uses each of us regardless of our marital status. I know I wasted years focusing on not being married and missed a few opportunities here and there. It's OK if you're single to want to be married, but it can't be the focus of your existence. If you are struggling with this, and trust me it's easy, ask the Lord for help. He will provide what you need and give you the guidance you desire.
5. Don't be Desperate: You can make so many mistakes out of fear and desperation. You may decide to sell out your standards and morals because you fear being alone. It's easy. We are human. But, it's not an excuse to become something you are not to get something that might be ultimately fleeting. Plus, you will never be truly happy if you start to discard your standards and seek happiness while desperate. Trust me, I have been there.
These are a few things I've learned over the years. I'm no expert as I said and your experiences may be completely different. My main advice is that you be yourself, trust in God, and don't sell yourself out for stuff that may not work out. That's my story and I have learned - Oh how I've learned.
I remember the first time I saw her. She walked into the classroom and I had never seen a more beautiful girl in my life. No one was sweeter or nicer and I knew she would be my girlfriend in short time. She walked into the third grade classroom, I knew I found the right girl for me. That's how first crushes go - we think they will last forever and we will live happily ever after. Sometimes they do, but most of the time they don't. Funny how a third-grader's mind works.
She and I would become friends in third grade. She was the first girl I kissed - as awkward as third graders have. We remained friends off and on through the years. We would go out on dates in sixth grade, ninth grade, and twelfth grade. It was during the 12th grade that the thought went through my head that this might be meant to be. We were good friends and we seemed to be comfortable around each other and tended to gravitate towards each other. However, like any teenage boy, I was afraid of what those thoughts meant. Was I trapped? Was I afraid to do better? Was my future already set in stone? Was she a safety valve?
So, I asked a couple of my friends who both agreed that I could do better. (Guys, if those thoughts go through your head , maybe talking to God or at least an adult is better than your teenage buddies). So, I decided to ignore her and be more aloof. I would avoid her as much as I could to avoid her asking me to Prom. I wasn't going to ask her out, but didn't want to be put in a situation where I would have to turn her down. (Avoidance has sometimes been my coping mechanism instead of taking a chance to hurt someone face to face). Eventually, I met someone else to go to Prom with. It turned into a complete disaster. My date spent the entire evening with other guys and pretty much ignored me. It turned into an awful evening and I was devastated. You reap what you sow.
That decision haunted me for several years afterward. I talked about her to a friend of mine at college when we were discussing regrets we had in our lives. I mentioned the Prom story to him and not less than 15 minutes, we ran into her younger sister. If you know me I don't believe in coincidences and that God was leading in this. I got back into touch with her, we went out a couple of times as well. We determined that time had passed and we had both moved on with our lives. I was able to apologize to her for my behavior which brought me much needed closure. She didn't take my actions as bad as I had made them, but it was a regret that ate me up.
She went on to get married and has a daughter. If she reads this (and she might), I just want to let her know that she made the elementary and high school years better for me. I treasure the memories we had. Thank you for teaching me to be myself around her and liking me for who I was. From that day, I no longer had any regrets.
"You like me more than I like you" is a phrase I have heard on several occasions. This was how my second serious relationship ended. This came from a woman who wanted me to hug her, hold her, hold hands and then she said that afterwards. For a young man that was extremely confusing. So, when I asked why all the physicalness if she felt that way, her response was "That's what a girl does with a guy". Ouch.
For the next ten years, I didn't date anyone. My plan was to hope that a woman would take pity on me and approach me and realize I was a good guy. With that kind of plan, is it hard to believe I was unsuccessful? I was so afraid of rejection and having my heart hurt. I was still hoping to get married and have a family someday. Also, my college friends were meeting others and moving on and I was afraid to get left behind. I was obsessed (trust me I've read my old journals). I'd convince myself that God had led me to meet one girl and when nothing would happen, I'd meet someone else and do the same thing.
Because of that, I missed out on several opportunities from God. Instead of embracing my singleness and how God could use me in that, I remained focused on why I wasn't meeting anyone and married. This road led to self-loathing and damaging my self-esteem. It didn't help my relationship with God either. If no one else was in love with me, how could God love me? There must be something wrong with me if I wasn't dating. I also saw other couples and did the comparison thing. "I'm better than that guy, how come I can't find someone and he does?" I look back on the missed opportunities where I didn't let God work in my heart. Eventually, God met with me in terms of healing and bringing me out of the funk.
In 2001, a couple of my friends set me up with another woman. We went out for a couple of months, and though it didn't work out, it helped with the healing process. She had a few bumps in the road in her life, and I learned what it meant to think of others' needs instead of my own. I started to become more confident and honest in my true self as opposed to the mask I used to wear. Even though it didn't last long, it helped me to grow and prepare me to become a husband down the road if that were to happen.
One step forward, then two steps back on the next dating relationship. It was only a few dates with a divorcing mother of two. She felt the best way to express way to her love, thanks to her future ex, was to be physical. So, we were physical, but in Bill Clinton's view we did not have sexual relations. However, I was guilty because I took advantage of the situation. I gave in to my need for satisfaction at the expense of building a good relationship. She told me several times that she wanted to do it and that I shouldn't be so uptight, but I still failed in my responsibility to be a good man. I handled the situation by never calling her back. Yes, avoidance is how I handled this one. Don't know if it was any better than when I sent an e-mail breaking up with someone else. This situation was one of the reasons that caused me to leave the church I was attending and move on to another church. I realized that my relationship with God really needed working on and it wasn't happening where I was at. At that point, I was almost content that I was going to remain perpetually single. That was what I truly believed, but God had different plans for me as I met my wife at this church.
There are many things I have learned through my dating life. Some good, some bad, but they all shaped me. These are not perfect solutions nor do I consider myself any kind of dating expert. Here is what I learned:
1. Relationship with God: Before you can have any kind of serious relationship, friendship, or dating, your relationship with God is the most important. Spend time in prayer, study the word, and worship. Getting to the bottom of who you are and where God wants to lead you is going to be the foundation for every relationship you have. The most important prayer I made while dating my wife was "Lord, teach me what it means to be a man worthy of dating Susan"
2. Be Yourself: If you are honest and act yourself, it will go easier for you. First, they're going to pick up if you're faking at some point. Second, do you want someone to like you for you or who you act like?
3. Listen & Observe: "Wordy and nervous" was the summation of my wife's analysis of me on our first date. I was so worried about awkward silences that I filled them in every chance I could. Luckily, my lackluster performance didn't prevent a second date. Remember to listen to the other person. It's good to make the other person feel important to you. The best way is to listen them and observe their reactions. You'll get to learn about them, their likes and dislikes, their passions, and their desires. Heck, you might even get their name and phone number if you listen. Observe them as well and you will quickly find out if this is someone you want to get to know better. Don't be completely silent, but remember that conversation is a two way street.
4. Embrace your current situation: If you are single or married, be grateful for where you are at. There are things in ministry that are easier for singles than marrieds and vice versa. Don't be obsessed where you are or what you don't have. God uses each of us regardless of our marital status. I know I wasted years focusing on not being married and missed a few opportunities here and there. It's OK if you're single to want to be married, but it can't be the focus of your existence. If you are struggling with this, and trust me it's easy, ask the Lord for help. He will provide what you need and give you the guidance you desire.
5. Don't be Desperate: You can make so many mistakes out of fear and desperation. You may decide to sell out your standards and morals because you fear being alone. It's easy. We are human. But, it's not an excuse to become something you are not to get something that might be ultimately fleeting. Plus, you will never be truly happy if you start to discard your standards and seek happiness while desperate. Trust me, I have been there.
These are a few things I've learned over the years. I'm no expert as I said and your experiences may be completely different. My main advice is that you be yourself, trust in God, and don't sell yourself out for stuff that may not work out. That's my story and I have learned - Oh how I've learned.
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