The brave knight defeated the evil (insert term here dragon, king, ogre, etc..) and rescued the fair maiden. He then married the beautiful princess and lived happily ever after.
Isn't this how we imagine marriage to be? (The last part.. maybe not slaying a dragon). That once we marry, that the hard work reaching that point is over and we live our marriage problem-free and perfect. We may say we don't believe that, but I am sure there are times we do think about it. We hope we wont have fights, struggles, or any bad times. The reality is far from perfect and that marriage does take work even after the wedding ceremony. Marriage is also a huge blessing as well and worth fighting for.
I have been married over six years and we definitely have our ups and downs. We struggle, we argue, and we don't see eye to eye on everything. I have my way of doing things and so does she and sometimes we clash. There are things we do that irritate the other (some we do purposely). We have our moments.
That being said, I would not trade the last six years for anything. We definitely have an abundance of good times versus the isolated bad day here and there. We support each others dreams and desires. We listen (she does more than I) to each other. We love each other through good times and bad.
I am sure a lot of you are saying "Chris, we know that marriage takes work - you're preaching to the choir." And I agree, but I think we can fall into that trap and are surprised by conflicts in our marriage. We think issues we have before marriage will resolve themselves once we are married (if we didn't resolve them before then). I have heard the phrase "They'll change once we're married". Like saying "I do" magically changes a person's attitude and actions. I think a lot of reasons for divorce is that people aren't prepared to work in their marriages. They see conflict as a sign that the marriage is wrong rather than just two sinful people dealing with things sometimes in a unhealthy way. Of course, some of us can get married and overlook real issues because we are desperate to be married and not alone in our lives. I did that a lot in my dating life. So afraid to be alone that I overlooked a lack of connection or glossed over real issues.
I am no expert on marriage. I like to think I may have learned a few things here and there over the years. Our marriage is a work in progress - there will be highs and lows, but I have found that the highs greatly outnumber the lows. Marriage is a blessing and I feel anything worth keeping is worth fighting for. Here is what I have learned that has helped me:
1. Prayer - very, very important. Pray alone & pray together. Lift your relationship up in prayer every chance you get. Pray for protection physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually. If you don't invite God into this relationship, don't be surprised at how tumultuous it can get. The enemy wants to destroy your marriage, so having God be a part of it is of utmost importance. This is something I talk about a lot, yet sadly I need to do better at actually doing. This is where I struggle mostly.
2. Friendship - Think of all your friends and why you are friends with them. It's because you share similar interests or histories and know each other pretty well. That's how it should be with your spouse times a million. If you are not friends first and foremost, your relationship is built on quicksand. That involves listening, supporting, and encouraging each other. What is important to them should be important to you. My wife loves musicals, but I don't. I go and take her occasionally, because it is something she genuinely enjoys. We are going to be more intimate with our spouses than our friends, but we have to be friends first with our spouse.
3. 50/50 Proposition - If you go into marriage thinking its going to be 50/50, you will be wrong. When you believe that, you will spend more time on what your spouse is doing or rather not doing for you. Marriage is 100/100. You give 100% of your effort into it. An effort like that doesn't worry about how much weight your spouse is pulling. Spending time keeping a scorecard of who is doing what will only lead to hurt feelings and a fraying of the relationship. Also, if you go into marriage expecting your spouse to fill in the parts of you spiritually and emotionally - you are dooming the relationship to failure. Spouses will build each other up and have different strengths and weaknesses that make a marriage work. However, asking another person, who is as flawed as you, to be able to carry themselves and you is unfair. Marriage is a team sport. None of this stuff happens intentionally. We don't wake up and demand our spouse to "fill our needs" so that we can be complete. This leads to unreal expectations, hurt feelings, and harm to each other. We are supportive each other and using our strengths to enhance each other's lives. It is not our job to make someone whole. Only God can do that.
4. Communication - Talk to one another, but more importantly listen to one another. Create a safe environment where it is OK to speak openly of one's desires, dreams, anger, unhappiness, etc without fear of reprisal or damaging the relationship. We are not mind readers and your relationship should cultivate open communication even beyond commercials during sporting events. Make time to talk and listen to each other. My favorite times with my wife are when we take long walks or drives together and just talk. There are no distractions and you learn so much more when you give your full attention to the one you love. Make it a point to say "I love you" to your spouse many times. No matter what is going on in your life, that simple phrase (spoken honestly) conveys so much power. Don't sleep on your anger. Resolve conflicts before bed time or at worst discuss them. Don't let the anger stew in your brain as it will consume and distract you.
Those are a few thoughts from me. I am no marriage expert. I fail as easily as I succeed. But, placing God in the center of your marriage definitely helps. You may have your ups and downs, highlights & struggles - but I wish each of the married couples a "Happily Ever After" in your marriages.
Isn't this how we imagine marriage to be? (The last part.. maybe not slaying a dragon). That once we marry, that the hard work reaching that point is over and we live our marriage problem-free and perfect. We may say we don't believe that, but I am sure there are times we do think about it. We hope we wont have fights, struggles, or any bad times. The reality is far from perfect and that marriage does take work even after the wedding ceremony. Marriage is also a huge blessing as well and worth fighting for.
I have been married over six years and we definitely have our ups and downs. We struggle, we argue, and we don't see eye to eye on everything. I have my way of doing things and so does she and sometimes we clash. There are things we do that irritate the other (some we do purposely). We have our moments.
That being said, I would not trade the last six years for anything. We definitely have an abundance of good times versus the isolated bad day here and there. We support each others dreams and desires. We listen (she does more than I) to each other. We love each other through good times and bad.
I am sure a lot of you are saying "Chris, we know that marriage takes work - you're preaching to the choir." And I agree, but I think we can fall into that trap and are surprised by conflicts in our marriage. We think issues we have before marriage will resolve themselves once we are married (if we didn't resolve them before then). I have heard the phrase "They'll change once we're married". Like saying "I do" magically changes a person's attitude and actions. I think a lot of reasons for divorce is that people aren't prepared to work in their marriages. They see conflict as a sign that the marriage is wrong rather than just two sinful people dealing with things sometimes in a unhealthy way. Of course, some of us can get married and overlook real issues because we are desperate to be married and not alone in our lives. I did that a lot in my dating life. So afraid to be alone that I overlooked a lack of connection or glossed over real issues.
I am no expert on marriage. I like to think I may have learned a few things here and there over the years. Our marriage is a work in progress - there will be highs and lows, but I have found that the highs greatly outnumber the lows. Marriage is a blessing and I feel anything worth keeping is worth fighting for. Here is what I have learned that has helped me:
1. Prayer - very, very important. Pray alone & pray together. Lift your relationship up in prayer every chance you get. Pray for protection physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually. If you don't invite God into this relationship, don't be surprised at how tumultuous it can get. The enemy wants to destroy your marriage, so having God be a part of it is of utmost importance. This is something I talk about a lot, yet sadly I need to do better at actually doing. This is where I struggle mostly.
2. Friendship - Think of all your friends and why you are friends with them. It's because you share similar interests or histories and know each other pretty well. That's how it should be with your spouse times a million. If you are not friends first and foremost, your relationship is built on quicksand. That involves listening, supporting, and encouraging each other. What is important to them should be important to you. My wife loves musicals, but I don't. I go and take her occasionally, because it is something she genuinely enjoys. We are going to be more intimate with our spouses than our friends, but we have to be friends first with our spouse.
3. 50/50 Proposition - If you go into marriage thinking its going to be 50/50, you will be wrong. When you believe that, you will spend more time on what your spouse is doing or rather not doing for you. Marriage is 100/100. You give 100% of your effort into it. An effort like that doesn't worry about how much weight your spouse is pulling. Spending time keeping a scorecard of who is doing what will only lead to hurt feelings and a fraying of the relationship. Also, if you go into marriage expecting your spouse to fill in the parts of you spiritually and emotionally - you are dooming the relationship to failure. Spouses will build each other up and have different strengths and weaknesses that make a marriage work. However, asking another person, who is as flawed as you, to be able to carry themselves and you is unfair. Marriage is a team sport. None of this stuff happens intentionally. We don't wake up and demand our spouse to "fill our needs" so that we can be complete. This leads to unreal expectations, hurt feelings, and harm to each other. We are supportive each other and using our strengths to enhance each other's lives. It is not our job to make someone whole. Only God can do that.
4. Communication - Talk to one another, but more importantly listen to one another. Create a safe environment where it is OK to speak openly of one's desires, dreams, anger, unhappiness, etc without fear of reprisal or damaging the relationship. We are not mind readers and your relationship should cultivate open communication even beyond commercials during sporting events. Make time to talk and listen to each other. My favorite times with my wife are when we take long walks or drives together and just talk. There are no distractions and you learn so much more when you give your full attention to the one you love. Make it a point to say "I love you" to your spouse many times. No matter what is going on in your life, that simple phrase (spoken honestly) conveys so much power. Don't sleep on your anger. Resolve conflicts before bed time or at worst discuss them. Don't let the anger stew in your brain as it will consume and distract you.
Those are a few thoughts from me. I am no marriage expert. I fail as easily as I succeed. But, placing God in the center of your marriage definitely helps. You may have your ups and downs, highlights & struggles - but I wish each of the married couples a "Happily Ever After" in your marriages.
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