"What do I do now, Dad?" Those were the words I said out loud to the night sky on the early morning of the 5th of July just outside my parent's house. It was in that moment I realized how much I needed his advice and how I wouldn't hear his voice again on this side of Heaven again.
There are moments in life that you will never get out of your head, no matter how hard you try. July 4th is always going to be one of those days. My father had just passed away. It was all too surreal. Too much like a dream. My dad was going to be around forever. He was too strong, maybe too ornery perhaps, to ever die. Yet, here we were. Dealing with what had just occurred.
When these things happen, it is fairly easy to run through your mind over the last moments. Things you wish you had said or done. Something you didn't do and should have. Not just in those moments, but over the last months when you knew time was precious. Times we could have talked more, jokes we could have shared, told each other how we truly felt. I was already missing him.
Kind of tough. That it takes someone passing away, to make you truly appreciate them. What they did for you and how they impacted your life. Yes, in his final moments, I had told my dad what a great father he was. But, even then, I was wishing for more time when I could have told him that. Should I have held his hand when he said "please" or hugged him at that moment? Should I have helped him out of the bed? Maybe slowly walked around - one final moment together? You can drive yourself crazy with all the what ifs? I know I did. We did the best we could have in that moment, and I am sure dad appreciated what we tried to do for him.
Now, we are living in a new "normal". That night I prayed to God asking Him to let me know that He got dad. My dad wasn't deeply religious. He believed in God, Jesus, and Heaven. But, a regular church-going Christian he was not. My heart was troubled at that time. It still does at moments when I doubt, or the enemy whispers to me. But, I believe in my heart of hearts, my father went to heaven that night. Free of pain and suffering.
That's what gives me hope. The fact that one day that I will be reunited with family in Heaven. Doesn't change the hurt that we are currently experiencing. We all will mourn in our own ways and for however long it takes. There is no right or wrong way to mourn, as long as it is not self-destructive.
One of the things I noticed as we did the memorial service for my dad was that there were all these nice tributes and comments about him. Yet, none of these things could be said directly to him. We all benefited from the wonderful stories and treasured memories of him. They made us laugh and smile. But, it would have been better to tell him while he was here. To hear him laugh and chuckle. I will miss that among many things.
I will be cliché here. It's my right and my blog. Truly, let those around you that you love know what they've done for you and how you feel towards them. Dad would have gotten a kick and I think would have been surprised by the number of people who came (over a hundred people). Probably because being a friend and dependable was second nature to him, not something he looked to be rewarded for. Still, he would have been stunned.
The main theme I kept hearing from those that came was that Dad was a good man. We all have our own definition of what "good" means. I know I have read in the Bible that only God is good. But, I am going to use our human basis of judging the quality of a person. We know what is good and what is bad. To hear every person say Dad was good was a great comfort to us. It made me recall that in my entire life, I never heard through the grapevine or through another person an ill word about him. Next week, I will post the eulogy I gave for my father.
He may not have been the smartest or the strongest. But, my dad was a good man. That's what I strive to be. Good.
There are moments in life that you will never get out of your head, no matter how hard you try. July 4th is always going to be one of those days. My father had just passed away. It was all too surreal. Too much like a dream. My dad was going to be around forever. He was too strong, maybe too ornery perhaps, to ever die. Yet, here we were. Dealing with what had just occurred.
When these things happen, it is fairly easy to run through your mind over the last moments. Things you wish you had said or done. Something you didn't do and should have. Not just in those moments, but over the last months when you knew time was precious. Times we could have talked more, jokes we could have shared, told each other how we truly felt. I was already missing him.
Kind of tough. That it takes someone passing away, to make you truly appreciate them. What they did for you and how they impacted your life. Yes, in his final moments, I had told my dad what a great father he was. But, even then, I was wishing for more time when I could have told him that. Should I have held his hand when he said "please" or hugged him at that moment? Should I have helped him out of the bed? Maybe slowly walked around - one final moment together? You can drive yourself crazy with all the what ifs? I know I did. We did the best we could have in that moment, and I am sure dad appreciated what we tried to do for him.
Now, we are living in a new "normal". That night I prayed to God asking Him to let me know that He got dad. My dad wasn't deeply religious. He believed in God, Jesus, and Heaven. But, a regular church-going Christian he was not. My heart was troubled at that time. It still does at moments when I doubt, or the enemy whispers to me. But, I believe in my heart of hearts, my father went to heaven that night. Free of pain and suffering.
That's what gives me hope. The fact that one day that I will be reunited with family in Heaven. Doesn't change the hurt that we are currently experiencing. We all will mourn in our own ways and for however long it takes. There is no right or wrong way to mourn, as long as it is not self-destructive.
One of the things I noticed as we did the memorial service for my dad was that there were all these nice tributes and comments about him. Yet, none of these things could be said directly to him. We all benefited from the wonderful stories and treasured memories of him. They made us laugh and smile. But, it would have been better to tell him while he was here. To hear him laugh and chuckle. I will miss that among many things.
I will be cliché here. It's my right and my blog. Truly, let those around you that you love know what they've done for you and how you feel towards them. Dad would have gotten a kick and I think would have been surprised by the number of people who came (over a hundred people). Probably because being a friend and dependable was second nature to him, not something he looked to be rewarded for. Still, he would have been stunned.
The main theme I kept hearing from those that came was that Dad was a good man. We all have our own definition of what "good" means. I know I have read in the Bible that only God is good. But, I am going to use our human basis of judging the quality of a person. We know what is good and what is bad. To hear every person say Dad was good was a great comfort to us. It made me recall that in my entire life, I never heard through the grapevine or through another person an ill word about him. Next week, I will post the eulogy I gave for my father.
He may not have been the smartest or the strongest. But, my dad was a good man. That's what I strive to be. Good.
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