"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18
Have you ever been so angry with God that you didn't even realize you were angry at Him? Have you suppressed grief so strongly that you were unaware of it?
Some background information before I relate this tale. For years, my wife and I have been going through the international adoption process. The process has been a long and frustrating one and is seemingly going to end without us adopting. It has been more of an open struggle for my wife to deal with. She wants to be a mother and this up and down process has taken its toll. I, on the other hand, feel that God is in control. If it is meant to happen, then it will happen. I have been looking at it from a logical point of view. Things will happen if they are supposed to. Little did I know, buried deep under the surface that grief and anger were boiling. I had buried it so far deep that I was not aware of its existence.
That's the weird thing. This is not something that I have ever experienced before. Part of me was surprised at the reaction, like two minds sharing the same body.
Anyways, our pastor was giving a sermon one Sunday morning recently on Hebrews 12. He was teaching how we will face trials in our lives and how we are to deal with it. We could go in two extreme directions potentially. One where we walk away from God in anger or keep doing the "god" things and not have our hearts in it. He talked of a crossroads that he reached a long time ago after the death of his eleven-day old son. He mentioned that he was raging against God and ready to walk away. How could God take his son after only eleven days? His story had a happy ending of thankfulness and reconciliation.
At the moment where he talked about having his son for eleven days. A voice (which was mine) spoke in my head "At least he got eleven days, I don't even have one." Another part of me thought "What the heck was that?" I swear that I heard an audible "A-Ha" which was not my voice. God was using this moment to deal with my unresolved anger which had been boiling like magma in a volcano waiting to erupt. God wanted to have a talk and I was ready.
By ready, I mean God was going to get it. All of my anger, resentment, and fury was unleashed towards God. God was going to get the bill for what had happened in mine and Susan's life and the fact that we didn't have kids. All my hurt and rage laid bare and directed towards Him.
(Now, all this was happening in my head, I wasn't screaming aloud in church during our pastor's sermon)
I gave it to Him. Why were Susan and I being punished while others got to adopt? Didn't God understand what this meant to us? How dare He? Haven't we been good little followers of His? Where was our reward? God was getting all of my "righteous" fury in this. He wasn't going to escape "my" judgment.
The wonderful thing about God is that He's big enough to handle our rants. Even holding us tighter when all we are doing is screaming and kicking trying to get away. He holds us tighter. He let me cry out my wounds during worship (I don't cry often). He let me get every hurt that was on my chest out to Him. He wanted it out, it wasn't healthy for me to keep these things bottled up. It was like an explosion waiting to happen. Explosions cause massive damage. The Lord did not want me to remain in my pain. He wanted to bring peace and healing to an area that I didn't even know needed healing.
I am still dealing with this. We both are, To be honest, I still don't have the most satisfactory answer yet. There is still much healing to go through. I trust that God's way is correct, even though I am not sure I fully understand or accept it yet. Maybe, I wont until the day I meet Him in heaven. But, its a start and I wrote this in my journal four days after that fateful sermon. As I said, there is still a lot of healing coming.
As I have prayed over this, I see that God wants me to be whole and healed. Not saddled down by dormant anger and grief which can be consuming. God wants us to be open and honest with Him, even if we are angry at Him. Like I said, God is big boy and can handle Himself. Don't be afraid to be honest and open with Him. Be willing and ready any time God wants to bring forth healing in your life.
Have you ever been so angry with God that you didn't even realize you were angry at Him? Have you suppressed grief so strongly that you were unaware of it?
Some background information before I relate this tale. For years, my wife and I have been going through the international adoption process. The process has been a long and frustrating one and is seemingly going to end without us adopting. It has been more of an open struggle for my wife to deal with. She wants to be a mother and this up and down process has taken its toll. I, on the other hand, feel that God is in control. If it is meant to happen, then it will happen. I have been looking at it from a logical point of view. Things will happen if they are supposed to. Little did I know, buried deep under the surface that grief and anger were boiling. I had buried it so far deep that I was not aware of its existence.
That's the weird thing. This is not something that I have ever experienced before. Part of me was surprised at the reaction, like two minds sharing the same body.
Anyways, our pastor was giving a sermon one Sunday morning recently on Hebrews 12. He was teaching how we will face trials in our lives and how we are to deal with it. We could go in two extreme directions potentially. One where we walk away from God in anger or keep doing the "god" things and not have our hearts in it. He talked of a crossroads that he reached a long time ago after the death of his eleven-day old son. He mentioned that he was raging against God and ready to walk away. How could God take his son after only eleven days? His story had a happy ending of thankfulness and reconciliation.
At the moment where he talked about having his son for eleven days. A voice (which was mine) spoke in my head "At least he got eleven days, I don't even have one." Another part of me thought "What the heck was that?" I swear that I heard an audible "A-Ha" which was not my voice. God was using this moment to deal with my unresolved anger which had been boiling like magma in a volcano waiting to erupt. God wanted to have a talk and I was ready.
By ready, I mean God was going to get it. All of my anger, resentment, and fury was unleashed towards God. God was going to get the bill for what had happened in mine and Susan's life and the fact that we didn't have kids. All my hurt and rage laid bare and directed towards Him.
(Now, all this was happening in my head, I wasn't screaming aloud in church during our pastor's sermon)
I gave it to Him. Why were Susan and I being punished while others got to adopt? Didn't God understand what this meant to us? How dare He? Haven't we been good little followers of His? Where was our reward? God was getting all of my "righteous" fury in this. He wasn't going to escape "my" judgment.
The wonderful thing about God is that He's big enough to handle our rants. Even holding us tighter when all we are doing is screaming and kicking trying to get away. He holds us tighter. He let me cry out my wounds during worship (I don't cry often). He let me get every hurt that was on my chest out to Him. He wanted it out, it wasn't healthy for me to keep these things bottled up. It was like an explosion waiting to happen. Explosions cause massive damage. The Lord did not want me to remain in my pain. He wanted to bring peace and healing to an area that I didn't even know needed healing.
I am still dealing with this. We both are, To be honest, I still don't have the most satisfactory answer yet. There is still much healing to go through. I trust that God's way is correct, even though I am not sure I fully understand or accept it yet. Maybe, I wont until the day I meet Him in heaven. But, its a start and I wrote this in my journal four days after that fateful sermon. As I said, there is still a lot of healing coming.
As I have prayed over this, I see that God wants me to be whole and healed. Not saddled down by dormant anger and grief which can be consuming. God wants us to be open and honest with Him, even if we are angry at Him. Like I said, God is big boy and can handle Himself. Don't be afraid to be honest and open with Him. Be willing and ready any time God wants to bring forth healing in your life.
This is one of your best, Chris--as it often happens when people talk about things that are the most real and heartfelt!
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